Pet Humor
From MRS
Red:
A guy is driving
around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard
and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?"
he asks.
"Yes, I do,"
the Lab replies.
"So, what's
your story?"
The Lab
looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they
had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided
to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars,"
the guy says
"Ten dollars?
This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because
he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
From mrsjred:
If there
is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
ANSWER: K9P.
CINDERELLA'S
NEW LIFE
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with
the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair
watching the world go by with her cat, Alan.
One afternoon,
out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.Cinderella said,
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella,
since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met,
I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything
for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella
was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy",
she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Alan,
her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch
quivering with fear. "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother,"
said Cinderella.
"Is
there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside
her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy
Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall
you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in
the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my old
cat, into a handsome young man." Magically, Alan suddenly
underwent a change and then before them stood a young man
with the looks and body that no other man could match. The
Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan
looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella
sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held
her close in his muscular arms.
He leaned
in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath...................
"Bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
From Framingham,
MA, Darlene Arden, author of 
The
Angell Memorial Animal Hospital Book of Wellness and Preventive
Care for Dogs (Contemporary Books, Chicago, IL).
Three
dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them
what has happened.
"First
body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love
to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector",
says the Coroner.
"Second
body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third
body?"
"Ah,"
says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. A noted
dog show judge who was struck by lightning." "Why
is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He
thought he was having his picture taken."
Cow joke
from Duwayne in DeKalb
A young
city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to be appear macho,
so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they
were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin
a conversation, "Say, isn't that fine-looking bunch of
cows over there."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,'
it's 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
From
Marie in Chicago….
Two
lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested
that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having
purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back
to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.
By
the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his
lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw,
so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When
he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed,
"Where are the ice creams?"
"Well"
he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so
I ate that too."
His
lady friend was incensed and cried, "How could you be so
shellfish!"
No
one claims....
Q:Why was the dog sent out of the
flea circus?
A:Because he stole the show!
A
joke from Justin
Q:What
did the beaver say to the tree?
A:Nice gnawing you!
Karen’s
back - our number one joke contributor - she has a rooster joke
Best Rooster
Zebediah
was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job
was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb
kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of
Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.
Each
bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.
Zeb's
favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's
bell had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate.
The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's
amazement,Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb
was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The
judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also
the Pulletsurprise.
This
one provided by the newsroom's very own Dick Sutliff:
Why can't a dog use a computer?
Because
they tend to get carpal paw syndrome.
Q:
What’s the difference between a barn and a fast dog?
A: One is a hay ground and the
other a greyhound.
From Mark in Lombard…
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All of his feathers are combed to one side.
Q: What do you get when you cross
a dog with a cantaloupe?
A: A melon-collie baby.
A
guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Einstein.
Now he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor.
So,
a couple of weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over,
the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart
he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at
his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging
out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper
on the couch and commands "Fetch!" Immediately, the
dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously.
Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his
master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my
tail all the time? Oye vay... This constant wagging of the tail
puts me in such pain, you should only know!"
"And
you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog
food. Forget it .... it's too salty and it gives me gas, but
what do you care? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me
out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's
disgusting, I tell you!"
The
neighbor is absolutely amazed...stunned. In astonishment, he
says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog
actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he
is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I
know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not fully
trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch.'"
Not
exactly a pet joke, or even a vet joke - but close enough, from
Cave in Evanston.
Q: Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician?
A: Because they can see right through you.
From
anonymous, an anonymous vet perhaps?
Q:
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A: A hoarse doctor.
Amy
in Deerfield offers this Pet Joke…
Q:
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a pickle?
A:
A Croco-dill
From
Martini in Orland Park…
Q:
What did one pregnant doe say to another?
A:
Time flies when you're having fawn.
Mildred
in Elmhurst…
This
goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says,
"Hey, buddy, your pants are down!"
From
Janet in Naperville…
Q:
What do you get when you cross a parrot with an eagle?
A:
A paralegal
From
Maria in Chicago:
Q:Why
are scarecrows always winning awards?
A:Because
they're outstanding in their fields!
Cheryl
from Palatine provides this pet joke:
Q:What
does a dog say when he sits on sandpaper?
A:
Ruff, ruff!
A
pet joke from Darlene in Framingham, MA:
One
day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two
books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised,
he asked the ape,"Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well,"
said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
From
Molly in Hanover Park
Q: How
is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
A: They
both enjoy taking a few laps!
Katie
sent this one in…
Short
on funds, I decided with some apprehension to let my roommate,
a professional dog groomer, give me a haircut. To my relief,
she did a terrific job. "It's great!" I said. "But
how can I be sure to get the same style the next time I go to
the beauty shop?"
"Simple,"
she answered. "Just say you want the top cut like a poodle,
the sides like a schnauzer, and the back like a Lhasa apso."
Q:Why
did the turtle cross the road?
A
To get to the shell station!
A
man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving
him at the park.
As he
was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The
next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try
the same thing.
As we
was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept
taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would
always beat him home.
At last,
he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on
until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his
home and he left the cat there.
Hours
later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes,"
the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated,
the man answers: "Put that darn cat on the phone. I'm lost
and I need directions!"
From
Darlene, a famous author of pet books who listens from Framingham,
MA. She should have been ashamed to send this new report:
The
Energizer Bunny was arrested
................................................................
charged with battery.
A
pet joke from Marilyn in Skokie:
An
the German shepherd went to a telegram office, took out a blank
form and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof."
The clerk looked the paper and politely told the dog: "There
are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for
the same price."
"But,"
the dog replied, "that wouldn't make any sense at all!"
From
regular Pet Central jokester Karen in Rogers Park:
A
tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The
tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred
"I'll die for you!"
The
tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked: "How
many times?"
From
Pet Central regular joke contributor, Karen in Rogers Park:
The
Jewish Dog
A
man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him
and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't
bring your dog in here." "What do you mean," says the man, "this
is a Jewish dog. Look." And the shammas looks carefully and
sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy
barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands
on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and
puts it on his head. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round
his neck. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens
the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven. "That's
fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible!
You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get
him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor!"
From
Gloria in Durango:
Q:
What did the farmer say when he saw his cows coming over the
hill?
A:
"Here come my cows coming over the hill."
Q:
What did the farmer say when he saw the cows coming over the
hill wearing sun glasses?
A:
He didn't say a thing. He didn't recognize them.
This
pet joke on ducks - from Rachel in Buffalo Grove:
Q.
What did the duck say after he heard a good joke?
A.
You quack me up.
A
pet joke from pet writer Darlene Arden in Framingham, MA:
The
Talking Dog:
This
guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting
there.
"You
talk?" he asks.
"Yep,"
the mutt replies.
"So,
what's your story?"
The
mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had
a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The
guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll
buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a darned
liar."
From
Darlene in Naperville:
Q: Why did the Three Little Pigs leave home?
A: Their father was an awful boar!
Shaquina
in Hyde Park sends us a centipede joke:
This
guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had
a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use
for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in
the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a
beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered
him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But
again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?" A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first
time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
From
Janice in Woodstock:
A
veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The
doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how
long had they been occurring, etc. When the veterinarian interrupted
him, saying, "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking.
Why can't you?"
The
doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to him and said, "There you are. Of course, if
that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Pet
Central
salutes legendary comedian Milton Berle
Here's
Jake's Pet Joke contribution - he's from Villa Park:
Q:
What do you call a row of 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A:
A receding hare line.
You
don't get penguin jokes everyday...maybe you should - from Owen
in Arlington Heights:
There
was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins
to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down. After waiting by the side of the road
for about three hours he waved another truck down and offered
the driver $5,000 to take the penguins to the state zoo for
him.
The
next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the
second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking
single file behind him.
The
first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's
going on? I gave you $5,000 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The
second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And
I had a ton of money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
Molly
in Schaumburg sent this one:
Q:Why
do tropical fish live in saltwater?
A:Because pepper would make them sneeze.
Ruth
in Chicago sent this gem:
Q:
How do you make friends with a squirrel?
A:
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
Here's
one from famous Pet Writer Amy Shojai, a former guest on Pet
Central:
Liver and Cheese:
Three
handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see
a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall
all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her
first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The
males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her
charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words
"liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent
sentence can go out with me."
The
sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love
liver and cheese."
"Oh,
how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"
"Um.
I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My,
my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the
three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The
last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink,
turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says......
.
. . "Liver alone. Cheese mine!"
Here's
one from Audra in Shiller Park:
Q:
What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: The price of bacon would go up!
Show
dog terms explained- from Ed and Toni all the way from California!:
Show
Dog Terms Explained:
Pet dogs raid the garbage ... Obedience dogs are very food motivated.
Pet dogs shed ... Show dogs blow coat.
Pet dogs are in heat ... Show dogs come into season.
Pet dogs run around the house... Show dogs show tremendous reach
and drive.
Pet dogs stand ... Show dogs stack.
Pet dogs get a bath ... Show dogs are groomed.
Pet dogs beg for treats ... Show dogs animate for bait.
Pet dogs jump the fence ... Obedience dogs demonstrate problem
solving intelligence.
Pet dogs bark at other dogs ... agility dogs show excitement
before showing.
Pet dogs are hyper... Show dogs are high drive.
Pet dogs steal socks and laundry... Show dogs show natural retrieving
ability.
Pet dogs find and chew up their owners shoes... Show dogs are
practicing scent articles.
Here's
a joke from Alice in Wilmette:
Duck
and the Circus A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and
a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're
a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And
you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working,"
says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just
we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"
explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,
pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the
circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into
the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking
duck. "Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see
me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender
says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really
good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is
it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck
enquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus?
That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused
and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"
This
is from our usual jokester, Karen in Rogers Park:
Three
men are in a coffee shop bragging about their dogs. Each claims
to have the world's smartest dog. The first man says, "MY dog
is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes
to the corner shop to buy me the Herald. He knows it's the only
paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change.
Now that's a smart dog." The second man says, "That's nothing.
Every morning I give MY dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner
shop to buy me a pack of Double Mint Gum. He knows it's the
only brand I'll chew. He comes back with correct change. Now
that's a smart dog." The third man says "That's nothing. You
know the corner shop where your dogs buy that stuff? Well, MY
dog runs the place!"
ARK
sent this one:
Q:What
kind of flower do dogs send?
A:
Bud Hounds
Here
are Thanksgiving pet jokes, from Brad in Wicker Park:
Q:Why
did the turkey cross the road?
A:To
show that he wasn't chicken.
Q:Why
are New England turkeys hard to understand?
A:Because
they speak in gobbled English.
From
Ben in Chicago
Q.
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
From
Russ in Chicago
HOW
TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1)
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3)
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for
a count of ten.
5)
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7)
Retrieve cat from curtain rod; get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8)
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful too humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10)
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of your last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13)
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table; find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
cat's throat to wash pill down.
14)
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room; sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and remove pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15)
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.
HOW
TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1)
Wrap it in cheese!
From
Sandy in Galena
All
of Noah's animals went on board the arc in pairs. Well, except
for the worms...they went in apples.
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