Don’t mess with Chuck Norris (or his beard)

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  • Waldo

    When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
    Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
    Chuck Norris spelled backwards is Chuck Norris.
    Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
    Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
    Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
    Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the Element of Surprise.
    Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – except for the definition of mercy.
    Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
    Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
    The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
    Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
    Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.
    Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside it.
    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.
    When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
    Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
    When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
    Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse – horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
    Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
    A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
    Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
    If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
    Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons consisting of two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called "Nun Barrys". No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
    M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
    If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
    There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
    Satan went down to the crossroads and sold his soul to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris thought it was too salty.
    Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly, all this has resulted in is Chuck Norris looking for candy after he roundhouse kicks someone.
    Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
    If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
    Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
    Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
    When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
    Chuck Norris is starring in the sequel to "Four Weddings and a Funeral". It's called "Four Funerals and a Funeral".
    Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
    Chuck Norris can text from a pay phone.
    Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
    Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
    Chuck Norris once delivered a roundhouse kick to the eye… of a hurricane. Today this is known as widely scattered showers.
    Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
    When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
    Chuck Norris is so tough he doesn't do push ups, he does earth downs.

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